Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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