i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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