Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
