even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
