I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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