My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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