there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
