I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
