somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize