I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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