I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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