"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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