Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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