i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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