yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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