I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
