it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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