What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
