I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
