I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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