i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
