I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
