Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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