I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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