at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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