I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
