I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
