I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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