so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
