its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
