Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
