My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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