Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
