you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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