dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
