you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
