; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
