im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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