You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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