I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
