I could have mohawked her pubes.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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