Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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