i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so let's talk penis.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She needs sedatives and a leash
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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