I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
