you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
