she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
