Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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