he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
