***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I love you.
Bad choice
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
