You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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