dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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