ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
