first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
