she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You need Xanax blowdarts
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
