guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
