Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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