My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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