We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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