seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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