i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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