theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
