i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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